The headline stared back at me. “U.K. Church Leader: ‘Wives, Submit to Your Husbands.’” The article went on to describe the uproar caused when two church leaders actually encouraged women to practice Ephesians 5:22-24.

One woman churchgoer said she was ‘disgusted’ by the sermon, adding: ‘How can they talk that way in the 21st Century?’

Indeed!

The media love to focus on what they refer to as “archaic teachings” and it was no surprise that news organizations chose February 13 – the day before Valentine’s Day – to laugh at people who actually believe the Bible.

However, I find it extremely frustrating that many are seemingly oblivious to the verses that follow Paul’s admonition to wives! Maybe you’re like me and long for a headline like: “Local Pastor Tells Husbands to Die for Their Wives.” Or maybe this one: “Husbands Told to Love Wives As Much As They Love Themselves.”

With all the media attention verses 22-24 get, it would only be fair to shine a spotlight on Ephesians 5:25-33. Husbands all over the world would march in protest. I suppose the macho dudes would start tying nooses for anyone they caught suggesting “husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

Can you imagine the parody’s and outrage on Saturday Night Live and The Simpsons?

Hank* and Francine* and their children have been attending East Northwest Church* for eight years. Some recent events and personnel changes have made them wonder if they should leave the church and they wrote me asking for advice. Here is my response:

When to change churches is a difficult question. There are so many emotions involved and the impact is immense. First of all, there are reasons that would compel someone to leave a church:

• Heresy that continues even after a Matt 18 confrontation process.
• Immorality within the leadership which is ignored, covered up, or excused.
• Unethical practices in the way finances and business decisions are handled which continues after a Matt 18 confrontation process.

Only rarely do I hear of people leaving a church for the three reasons listed above. Most of the time the justification to leave is based on personal preferences, private agendas, power-plays gone wrong, hurt feelings, and claims of hypocrisy. There are a myriad of other things in the categories of music, youth ministry, greeting, etc, which can be summed up with this question: Is it style or substance? If one contends that the reasons for leaving are substantive, they better fall under the three topics above.

In 1 Corinthians 12:12-27, Paul makes it very clear that the body – the local church, the household of faith – is not to be treated with a consumer mentality but with respect and honor. We cannot choose to leave because we’re unhappy, don’t feel good about the worship, or claim we’re not being “fed.” “The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I don’t need you.’” (1Cor 12:21)

Does this mean people can’t leave a church? No, of course not, but such decisions must be treated with the utmost seriousness, much prayer, and a great deal of patience. Church hopping is not a game and those who move from place-to-place risk grave consequences. After all, how does a hand which is not attached to a body survive?

Proceed with caution:

• Have you followed the confrontation procedure outlined in Matt 18 to get answers?
• Have you listened to both sides with an open mind?
• Is it possible the leadership has information they are choosing not to make public?
• If the leadership has lost your respect, have you thought about what they might do to earn that respect back?
• Are there written job descriptions and regular performance evaluations for both paid staff and volunteers? Is there documentation of corrective action, second chances?

If you are still seriously considering leaving, prayerfully approach the possibility that God might be asking you to stay. Sometimes God directs us into difficulty because it is in those times that we are most teachable.

Josh Harris recently posted this on his blog:

• Don’t love the church because of what it does for you. Because sooner or later it won’t do enough.
• Don’t love the church because of a leader. Because human leaders are fallible and will let you down.
• Don’t love the church because of a program or a building or activities because all those things get old.
• Don’t love the church because of a certain group of friends because friendships change and people move.

Love the church because of who shed his blood to obtain the church. Love the church because of who the church belongs to. Love the church because of who the church worships. Love the church because you love Jesus Christ and his glory. Love the church because Jesus is worthy and faithful and true. Love the church because Jesus loves the church.

*Names and church name have been changed

The New Year. It’s time for goal setting, resolutions and evaluations; for determining schedules, marking calendars and setting priorities. We make plans for family, work, budgets, church, vacations – and if we’re honest we do all this based on emotions, logic, and money. The lists and decisions are calculated to fulfill what I want; what’s important for me.

My expectations, my hopes, my choices seem so important to me. Even for the Christ-follower the temptation is to list objectives and set schedules that are all about the little trinity – me, myself, and I.

This year is all new – more so than ever for me. It’s the first time I’ve attempted planning for a new year without Lois since 1974 – the year we met – and I’m reminded again how much I relied on her. So I stepped back from the process to pray and think and read; to inspect, repair and prepare the foundation so decisions and plans will be based on God’s Word and the prompting of the Holy Spirit. This is what I’m learning:

1. Looking back on the past year I recognize that many of my plans were blown away like sand but the ones that survived were formed through prayer, the Word, and trusted advisors. Psalm 33:11 says. “But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.”

2. I am testing all goals, objectives and schedules with God’s Word based on Proverbs 16:9, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.” I need to make sure God is in the center – not me.

3. When working on those items which are personal, I keep coming back to Galatians 5:22-26, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.” It seems ridiculously obvious that if this fruit is evident in my character, the result will be humility, faithfulness, and obedience. The focus is God’s plans for me not my plans for God.

4. My major job description is to serve as a pastor to pastors and church leaders. Instead of trying to compile a list of tasks on my own, I am turning to Acts 2:42:47 which lists the primary qualities of a Christ-led, authentic household of Faith: “They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.”

How does this get fleshed out for ministry?

– Preach the Word – the whole counsel of God from Genesis to Revelation. In most churches 99% of the people who come through the front door are already Believers but 99% of the messages are presentations of salvation. We must preach the Word.

– Model and encourage New Testament fellowship; not just eating a meal together or having pie after the service. Koinonia takes place when we drop our masks, quit playing politics, and actually begin caring for one another.

– Embrace the full experience of celebrating the Lord’s Table. Slow down. Contemplate. Plan at least one entire service centered on Communion.

– Pray; not just for health concerns but for souls, and spiritual direction and discernment. Pray.

– Talk about what God has done in the past month and is doing right in the local church. If those stories don’t move the soul and fill people with awe, some serious examination and tough work needs to be done.

– Practice generosity. First, take care of the pastor and if there is anything left in the bank account give it away. The “rainy day” is here – people in the community are homeless and hungry.

– Go where the people are. Don’t schedule non-worship services at the church building.

– Small group gatherings are essential and while small groups don’t guarantee personal growth there are no documented cases of personal growth without small groups.

Let’s be careful and purposeful in making Christ the center. Practically, this means we look for how to join what God is already doing; participate in His plans and resist the temptation to ask God to bless our plans.

The closer we get to Christmas day the more impatient I’m becoming with well-meaning people who are attempting to tell me how I should feel – or at the very least, how they think I should feel. Some of these wonderful friends are speaking out of their own pain and loss and experience but others are making assumptions. So, would you allow me to get on a gift-wrapped soap box for a few paragraphs? If you are one of those who have so kindly called or written, please don’t take offense. My feelings aren’t hurt.

The birth of Christ was not a time of sentiment with warm fuzzy feelings, hot cocoa, a nice orchestra, and lots of food. Joseph and Mary were under the King’s orders to travel to Bethlehem and it was a grueling journey. For three to five days Mary – who was about to have a baby – walked, rode, and stumbled along a path.

There were no Super 8 motels along the way, no paved road, no rest areas with toilets. They must’ve stopped often looking for a tree or rock Mary could lean against to urinate. Most likely they looked in vain for clean, fresh water using only what they carried in old, stinky skins or moldy jars. The risk of thieves, storms, and cold only added to the discomfort of the impending labor and birth of Mary’s first child.

Was her mother there? A sister maybe? Probably not since Mary got pregnant out of wedlock and brought shame on her whole family, they most likely stayed away as if she’d had leprosy. We know there wasn’t a hospital; instead they found themselves in a stable. No running water, no electricity, no space heater to chase away the chilly night air. There were “meadow muffins” and “cow pies” on the ground and some of them were fresh enough to throw off steam – the smell must’ve been overwhelming.

The whole situation was untenable. None of us would’ve stuck it out. We can’t even begin to imagine the pain and disappointment and loneliness. Mary and Joseph must certainly have wondered where God was in all this. Why now? Why here? We could go on to describe the poverty, hardship and rejection that Joseph and Mary and Jesus endured in those first few days but nothing we can imagine comes close.

This year God is allowing me a new appreciation for the incarnation. It was far from romantic, nostalgic and sentimental. The events surrounding the birth of Jesus were difficult and full of disappointment and pain. Christmas has taken on a new, deeper meaning. If Mary and Joseph and even Jesus as a baby were not spared hardship and difficulty, why would I expect anything else?

I can’t explain away the reality of grief or the myriad of ways I miss Lois but I do know that God is more real than I have ever experienced. His presence and power shove the clichés out of the way and strengthen my resolve to “come near to God “so He will “come near to” me. (see James 4:8)

When Paul wrote in Romans 8 that nothing will separate us from the love of Christ – not "trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword" – he was writing to me and you. Yes, he was also referring to struggles that were dangerously real to him but those words are for me. We are more than conquerors in hardship and sorrow, not because it isn’t painful, nor because God will somehow make it vanish, but because none of these things can take away what we have of God through Jesus Christ. God’s love and presence and comfort is more permanent than famine or suffering. It’s stronger than death, as unyielding as the grave. How do I put this in writing without tears and trembling? How do I explain this new appreciation of Christmas?

I’ve had many gracious emails, phone calls, and notes from those who were concerned about me, and our whole family, celebrating Thanksgiving last week without Lois. I appreciate the concern, notes of encouragement, prayer and love that people continue to extend to our whole family. It is yet another example of the “body of Christ” living together and gives me the opportunity to share my personal experience of Thanksgiving 2009.

First, giving thanks was not difficult – just different. I found myself thanking God for what Lois is no longer dealing with. No more Chemo infusions! The Chemo “cold” with its dripping nose and clogged sinuses is gone. The neuropathy – the constant tingling in her hands and feet – has ended and the microwave is no longer heating up a rice bag every hour. There’s no more gradual hair loss to contend with, no more CT scans, no port to flush and keep clean, no need to sort a score of pill bottles. No more pain.

Second, spending time with the whole family was not a constant reminder that Lois was not there – just different. We all gathered at Joy and Tony’s house – all 29 of us! It was great fun to try to polish off enough food for 50 people. The kids had fun together and the adults sat around and talked for hours. Lois did enter the conversation at times but not in a mournful way. Instead, there were comments of fond memories.

Third, I didn’t experience any intense loneliness – just a different sense that I no longer had a partner to share with. I didn’t find that disconcerting or troubling but found a different kind of freedom. I arrived at Joy’s house when I felt like it – didn’t check with anyone about the schedule – and I left when I wanted to and didn’t wait for Lois to finish dishes or a conversation or . . .

Did I miss Lois? Yes, of course. But I am committed to trusting God more than I miss my wife. And I remember that Thanksgiving is about Him not me. So I join with David who praised the Lord with these words:

"Praise be to you, O LORD, God of our father Israel, from everlasting to everlasting. Yours, O LORD, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, O LORD, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all. Wealth and honor come from you; you are the ruler of all things. In your hands are strength and power to exalt and give strength to all. Now, our God, we give you thanks, and praise your glorious name.” (1 Chronicles 29:10-13)

I miss celebrating Thanksgiving twice a year! From 1995 to 2004 I helped and taught at the Venture Teams Training Camp in Alberta, Canada and almost every year managed to schedule those 10 day trips to include the second Monday of October – Canadian Thanksgiving. Then, the end of November, we had Thanksgiving American style. (Lois enjoyed that with me in 2001when Kari was a VTI team member.)

I’ve often wondered if, as Christ followers, we need to celebrate Thanksgiving more often. Not necessarily the way it’s done the end of November (or the second Monday of October) but at a different time and with more intent to move away from the idolatry of Thanksgiving. Consider the implications of the idols we celebrate now by looking at our priorities: Family, food, football, and shopping.

The way we spend our time, energy and money is very revealing and should cause us to stop and ask if we have allowed idols to creep in and spring up. Like you, I have already seen the blog and facebook posts about being thankful for our freedom, churches, homes, etc., and I agree we should give thanks for that. And, I also think we should be thankful for our families, the sagging tables of food, the relaxation of watching and/or playing football and maybe even for shopping. But let’s be careful to direct our most effusive and heartfelt thanksgiving for God. He is the object of our gratefulness. He alone is worthy of praise and honor and glory and power.

We are reminded that God has poured out on us His mercy –forgiveness we could never earn and which none of us ever deserves; His grace which knows no end and ultimately provides us with families and food and homes. James teaches us that God is the giver of every good and perfect gift. (James 1:17)

In Hebrews 12:28-29 we read, “Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, ²⁹for our "God is a consuming fire.”” No New Testament writer refers to the Old Testament without purpose so we are compelled to look at Deuteronomy 4:23-24, “Be careful not to forget the covenant of the LORD your God that he made with you; do not make for yourselves an idol in the form of anything the LORD your God has forbidden. ²⁴ For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.”

In our Thanksgiving we must be careful to deal with the idols that so easily crowd out the supreme object of our worship: God.

I am grateful for all those who have sent greetings encouraging me. I’ve received text messages, emails, Facebook notes and phone calls from many who are rightfully concerned about this Thanksgiving as the first holiday without Lois. I’m certain her absence will be felt more acutely than I am prepared for. In the middle of family, food and football the greatest priority will be keeping the eyes of my heart and mind centered on the Worthy One.

This post is not intended to offend anyone. It was written on Wednesday, September 9 – just two days prior to Lois’ death. Until now I really wasn’t comfortable posting it.

Tuesday I received an email from someone I know on a professional basis – or, to use churchy terminology, a “brother in the Lord.” We’ve really never had one of those heart-to-heart conversations that create true friendship – but we know each other. He is somewhat annoyed with me but after reading this agreed to let me post it.

The email opened with, “When I was in my prayer closet this morning, God revealed something just for you.” This is not a particularly bad thing. The writer establishes, up front, that what is about to be shared is from God just for me. That’s a claim that’s difficult to argue over. And no argument would be necessary if what came next was a quote from the Word of God. After all, everything in the Bible is from God and I believe it’s very possible for God to show one person something in the Word that is appropriate (or even life-saving) to be shared with someone else. Isn’t that what pastors are called to do week after week as we open the Word of God to “teach and admonish?”

I would have been grateful for a Psalm or Proverb or something of encouragement from one of the many promise filled passages of God’s Word. But that’s not what the writer shared. Instead “God told” this writer to tell me that I should take Lois to a clinic in another country that specializes in using an extract from horse urine to cure colon cancer. (Well, not exactly horse urine, but . . .)

To make sure everyone understands: Lois and I looked into numerous alternative medicine treatment options. We seriously considered some but in the end we made decisions based on a number of factors: 1) We prayed and waited on the Lord for direction. 2) The advice from our most trusted friends and advisors confirmed the direction we felt God provided us personally. 3) All of us, at different locations and a various times spread out over several days, arrived at the same Biblical narrative which we all felt confirmed the mutually agreed upon decisions.

So, what I am to think and how should I react when someone writes, “God told me to tell you?” Now that I’ve laid out the ground work, I have some questions. I’ve already asked the email writer to respond and now I’d appreciate your response to the following:

1. Why would God talk to you about me but not speak to me? Does this somehow suggest that something is wrong with my spiritual walk? (Of course, that’s very possible!)

2. Why would God choose to speak to you and not to my trusted friends whose advice and counsel has proven Biblical, insightful and correct for over 20 years? Would God leave these advisor/friends in the dark?

3. Of even greater concern, why would God tell you one thing and me and my advisor/friends something different? Does God bring confusion?

4. What is the Biblical basis for the right to be extra-Biblical?

5. Is there a point at which any of us “cross the line” when we claim “God revealed” something? If so, where is the line?

Please post your responses. I am open to reprimand, correction, criticism, or even agreement but would like some dialogue on this subject.

Do you ever find yourself wishing that life were different? I’ve caught myself doing this lately! But I’m learning that while it may not be possible for all of our outward circumstances to improve to make life better, it is possible for the quality of our inner life to change so dramatically that we begin to experience life as it was meant to be.

The apostle Paul was a great example of this principle. In Acts 16 we see Paul and Silas in prison, singing! I have often wondered why more people do not experience that level of inner tranquility that would allow them to sing praises to God even in the most horrendous circumstances. (First-century prisons would make twenty-first century prisons look like luxury hotels by comparison!)

Paul’s New Testament writings reveal an ability to live a victorious life in spite of the most severe outward circumstances. He encourages Christians in spite of his own hardships-like being shipwrecked, going hungry, and being publicly stoned and even imprisoned. What an amazing attitude he received from the Lord.

Ephesians 3:14-21 encourages us to experience the victorious life that Christ made possible. “¹⁴For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵from whom his whole family^[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

²⁰Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever!”

Heavenly Father we thank you for the gift of Christ and praise you for making it possible for us to experience the fullness of Christ through the presence of the Holy Spirit. Keep our minds and hearts focused on you. Give us courage to welcome the transforming power of the Holy Spirit especially when that means significant change. Give us eyes to see and ears to hear. And help us to be doers of the Word! Amen.