I received request to respond to a comment on my recent post, Marriage is Sacred. In case you haven’t looked at the comments, it reads:

“So…when a husband repeatedly rapes and beats his wife, that’s not a “bad marriage” and she should just soldier on with “effort and discipline”? It makes me rage inside knowing you may have given this advice to an abused woman who was looking for help.”

I am frustrated in feeling this reader stopped at what they found offensive. The last point I made was: “Get help.”

The pastors, spiritual directors, counselors, and therapists I know would respond to a situation in which there is physical abuse to immediately protect both individuals from each other. In the past, my wife and I have personally driven women to the local shelter.

However, separation, even for an extended period of time, does not need to result in divorce. God is a god of mercy (He withholds the punishment we deserve) and grace (He gives us what we do not deserve). God immerses us in forgiveness. He forgives murderers, rapists, shoplifters, gossips, and liars. Praise His Name! God restores, renews, revitalizes. No marriage is without hope! GET HELP!

The self-help so popular in our culture DOES NOT WORK. Couples serious about saving a marriage and experiencing the restoration that comes from God’s mercy and grace, must be embraced by the Koinonia (costly fellowship marked by selflessness and sacrifice) found in a genuine Household of Faith. Such restorations take a great deal of time, patience, and prayer and require a substantial amount of work on the part of both parties.

I have personally witnessed the miracle of marriages being restored. Two of those were so twisted and gruesome that if I were to describe them I would be accused of writing fiction. (Maybe those people are reading this and would choose to comment.) But God is faithful and just. He will not abandon us. He loves us. God himself, will restore us and make us strong, firm and steadfast. (see 1 Peter 5:6-10)

There will be those who will refuse to participate in such a process. The sinful nature raises its ugly head and our pride, selfishness, and laziness get in the way of submitting to God. God allows for divorce, but only because of the hardness of hearts – not as an easy escape from difficulty.

One of the great weaknesses of blog posts is to keep them short and readable. I strongly encourage you to get the book, “Soulcraft: How God Shapes Us Through Relationships,” by Doug Webster. Doug’s clear application of Biblical truth in relationships is better than anything I offer.

Finally, this reminder: I am writing to those who “declare with their mouths, ‘Jesus is Lord,” and believe in their hearts that God raised Jesus from the dead.” (Romans 10:9) This does not guarantee marriages will be without any problems or even violence, but such a shared faith does provide a foundation for forgiveness, healing, and restoration.

Today I’ve responded to a couple of phone calls and several emails on issues regarding marriage.  Allow me to address a couple of items with boldness:

Words are important! This foolishness of referring to one’s spouse as “the husband” or “the wife” on Facebook and in conversations must cease. Using “my wife” or “my husband” communicates respect and a deep commitment to the other. The terms we use should differentiate us from those who cheapen marriage by their crass talk.

Ministry is NEVER more important than marriage. A holy vow of matrimony before God and witnesses always takes priority over a call to ministry. There is no grey area. It is straightforward and clear. Your marriage and family are far more important than your ministry. Yes, God expects you to walk away from ministry rather than violate a vow and bring hurt and harm to your spouse and family. (Failure to do so may indicate that ministry has become an idol.)

There is no such thing as a “bad marriage.” A marriage might be difficult but the covenant between a husband and wife and God cannot be bad. By its very nature it is sacred, a trust to be guarded, cultivated, and deeply cared for. That may require a great deal of effort and discipline.

Feelings cannot always be trusted. Lois and I were married for 34 years and 26 days. Did I always “feel” in love? No. But I learned that actions often come before feelings. Our media-saturated culture presents a totally false view of marriage. Base your loving actions toward your spouse on Scripture and models of Christ-centered marriages.

Sexual fulfillment comes from self-control, self-discipline, and self-sacrifice. Always. This is true before marriage, in marriage, and after a marriage ends – either in the death of a spouse or divorce. In other words, sexual fulfillment is not about you.

Get help. Challenges are a natural part of relationships; especially in marriage. When those challenges seem overwhelming, do not hesitate to ask for help. Seeking advice from a counselor and/or spiritual director is not a sign of weakness but of strength and maturity. (If you don’t know where to turn, contact me. I’ll help identify someone in your area within 48 hours.)

Please excuse the harsh tone of these words. It can be blamed on me being tired, frustrated, lonesome for Lois (we would’ve celebrated her 60^th Birthday today), or just cranky – or all of the above! Mostly I am very concerned about the number of marriages under attack and families with unusual stress. Please be assured that I am praying for you!

My expectations, my hopes, my choices seem so important to me. Even for the Christ-follower the temptation is to list objectives and set schedules that are all about the little trinity – me, myself, and I.

1. Looking back on the past year I recognize that many of my plans were blown away like sand but the ones that survived were formed through prayer, the Word, and trusted advisers. Psalm 33:11 says. “But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.”

2. I am testing all goals, objectives and schedules with God’s Word based on Proverbs 16:9, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.” I need to make sure God is in the center – not me.

3. When working on those items which are personal, I keep coming back to Galatians 5:22-26, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.” It seems ridiculously obvious that if this fruit is evident in my character, the result will be humility, faithfulness, and obedience. The focus is God’s plans for me not my plans for God.

How does this get fleshed out for ministry?

– Preach the Word – the whole counsel of God from Genesis to Revelation. In most churches 99% of the people who come through the front door are already Believers but 99% of the messages are presentations of salvation. We must preach the Word to produce mature followers of Jesus.

– Model and encourage New Testament fellowship; not just eating a meal together or having pie after the service. Koinonia takes place when we drop our masks, quit playing politics, and actually begin caring for one another.

– Embrace the full experience of celebrating the Lord’s Table. Slow down. Contemplate. Plan at least one entire service centered on Communion.

– Pray; not just for health concerns but for souls, and spiritual direction and discernment. Pray.

– Talk about what God has done in the past month and is doing right in the local church. If those stories don’t move the soul and fill people with awe, some serious examination and tough work needs to be done.

– Practice generosity. First, take care of the pastor and if there is anything left in the bank account give it away. The “rainy day” is here – people in the community are homeless and hungry.

– Go where the people are. Don’t schedule non-worship services at the church building.

– Small group gatherings are essential and while small groups don’t guarantee personal growth there are no documented cases of personal growth without small groups.

Let’s be careful and purposeful in making Christ the center. Practically, this means we look for how to join what God is already doing; participate in His plans and resist the temptation to ask God to bless our plans.

In order to live in this world where self rules and money is god, we must resist the temptation to mount an activist campaign but instead, be patient, endure injustice, and pray urgently that our King Jesus will come soon. This requires our full attention in loving others extravagantly, forgiving freely, and giving resources generously. Then we will be known for what we are FOR not what we are against and our love for each other will prove our love for God.

Do we place our expectations on God? Are we so arrogant to think we can advise Him – tell Him what He ought to do? Could it be that we have convinced ourselves that it’s “OK” to make plans and just assume that God will bless?

James has a harsh warning: Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. James 4:13-16 (NIV)

We continue to learn that God wants all our expectations, all our hopes, and all our plans. He expects us to trust Him for every minute of every day. Totally – nothing held back. We are learning to say, “OK, God, we know our very next breath is in your hands, now take that knowledge and make it a reality in the way we live.”

We will trust God! He is rock-firm and faithful!

When I was beleaguered and bitter, totally consumed by envy,

I was totally ignorant, a dumb ox in your very presence.
I’m still in your presence, but you’ve taken my hand.
You wisely and tenderly lead me, and then you bless me.
You’re all I want in heaven! You’re all I want on earth!
When my skin sags and my bones get brittle, God is rock-firm and faithful.
Look! Those who left you are falling apart!

Deserters, they’ll never be heard from again.
But I’m in the very presence of God— oh, how refreshing it is!
I’ve made Lord God my home. God, I’m telling the world what you do!

Ps 73:21-28 The Message

One of my most memorable spiritual moments was soon after my Dad died. He was only 52 and I was left in charge of the family business which I quickly discovered was bankrupt. Two weeks after the funeral, staggering under the weight of hundreds of decisions and wondering if I would even be able to buy groceries for my young family, I drove out to a secluded lake, got out of the car and screamed at the top of my lungs.

I let God know how angry I was. This was between me and God and I was yelling, stomping, pounding on the car – asking God why this had to happen to me.

Finally, exhausted, I slumped to the ground next to the car and cried. After a while I just sat in the silence; it was one of those “be still and know” moments.

God overwhelmed me with His presence. I didn’t hear any voice nor would I claim that God spoke to me at all, but in the stillness I felt relief.

God is bigger than my pain and confusion.

He’s there for you, too.

“The time has come,” the Walrus said, “to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and of Kings and why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings.” – Lewis Carroll in Through the Looking Glass.

The time has come – time to move from this leaky house which God so graciously provided in August 2004. Many thanks to the United Methodist Church of Hedrick, IA for renting me their unused parsonage for a cost far less than market value. In so doing, they have subsidized my ministry for the past 7+ years! Now they’ve sold the house and it’s time to move on.

Talk about a lot of things! The house I’ll be moving to won’t be ready for several weeks but it is about one-third the space. I’ve spent hours sorting, purging, and paring down. Trying to determine what is a true priority. And some of the discoveries have brought back sweet memories of Lois and the 34 years of God-directed partnership.

Shoes, ships, and sealing wax.  Yes, I’ve found shoes hidden away – even a pair of wooden shoes from my Dutch ancestry – a string-art ship, and a box of Gulf sealing wax used in canning many years ago.

Cabbages. Trying to figure out how to deal with perishable food . . .

Kings. Although things have a tendency to become kings, packing and sorting has been a good reminder that things don’t rule me nor do they occupy a place of honor in my life.  Christ is King – Lord, Master, and Leader of my life.

I wish the sea were boiling hot. Instead I woke to several inches of snow this morning. Moving on Saturday will be a mess.

Pigs do have wings. Sound impossible? But sometimes we do the impossible. I am getting ready to take apart computers, shut down the internet connection, turn off the land-land phone, and live out of suitcases for the next month. Impossible – but it’s still going to happen!

The toll-free number will be discontinued and the only phone number I will have will be 641.799.0010 – the one most people have been using for several years. I do see email on my smart-phone. My new snail-mail address is: 13975 247^th St., Delta, IA  52550.

This past Sunday I was privileged to sit in on a church business meeting where they were considering a couple of serious questions involving both staff and finances. The moderator stated at the beginning that he had carefully read the by-laws and understood that one of the decisions would require a two-thirds majority in order to pass.

The moderator then asked, “Is a two-thirds majority enough? Shouldn’t God’s people be ‘of one mind’?” It’s a great question. (The motion requiring the super-majority was voted on by ballot and was approved 21 to 4. A clear decision but not unanimous, which is what the moderator would’ve preferred. )

Is majority rule the Biblical model for how a church should make decisions?

Church history records “congregation voting” in the London Baptist Confession of Faith from 1689 where it indicates that elders “. . . be chosen thereunto by the common suffrage (vote) of the church itself” (chapter 26, article 9).  So churches have been voting for at least 320 years but that’s less than 16% of the time since the resurrection. Does that make it right or best?

How does Philippians 1:27-30 relate to church governance? Paul writes, “Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved—and that by God. For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him, since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have.”

Being of one mind seems to be early church model for decision making in the household of faith. That idea was previously illustrated in Acts 6 when leaders were chosen for food distribution. The account points to consensus, not a vote, when the proposal “pleased the whole group.” Acts 6:5

I used to think that voting was how they determined the consensus in Acts 6 but the passage doesn’t indicate that. Rather, the Bible seems to be conspicuously silent on the issue of majority rule except for some severe cases where it went badly. For instance, when the Israelites demanded a king and God directed Samuel to honor their wishes but also issue a warning that kings would eventually bring about their own destruction.

Voting wasn’t part of the cultures of either the Old or New Testaments; although Scripture gives plenty of instructions about a multitude of other subjects. Is it possible that voting is more a tradition that comes from a Greek/Western mindset and not from the Word of God?

What do you think about this? Is voting the best way to make decisions in the church?

The other day I was in my car praying as I drove. I wasn’t praying about driving, road conditions, or the truck in front of me. I was praying about a place to live and letting God know how frustrated I was. The house I’ve rented since August 2004 was now sold and had to be vacated in seven weeks. I didn’t see any reasonable options. I was at mile marker 89 on I-35 in Missouri when the Holy Spirit reminded me of an old story. You might remember this one:

There was once a man whose home was about to be flooded by a rising river. His neighbors urged him to pack up and get out. He said, “I am trusting God to rescue me” and refused to leave. A few hours later the Sheriff came by in a four-wheel drive and the water was up to the wheel hubs and he attempted to get the man to leave his house. But the man refused and reiterated his faith in God to save him from the flood.

Six hours later the man was now on the second floor of his house hanging out a window when the State Patrol came by in a motorboat. They pleaded with the homeowner to leave his house. The man definitely answered, “My God will rescue me” and rejected the offer of a boat ride.

The sun had set and darkness was just minutes away. The man was now sitting on the roof of his house surrounded by water when the National Guard helicopter hovered over him. The soldier’s voice shouted through the noise instructing the man to grab the rope ladder and climb to safety. But the homeowner rejected the offer and yelled back, “This is a test of my faith. Surely God will rescue me.”

The man drowned when his house was swept away in the flood.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man indignantly demanded an explanation from God as to why he wasn’t rescued. God replied, “I answered your prayer! I sent your neighbors, the Sheriff in a truck, the State Patrol in a motorboat, and the National Guard in a helicopter!”

Obviously, the man in the flooded house expected something different.

Ouch. That was exactly the situation I was in.

Here I was praying for God’s provision of a place to live but He had already provided.

I nearly missed the answer to my prayer because it wasn’t what I expected.

A year ago Joy and Tony bought some farm land that included a house. (We are calling it the Herrick house after the former owners who lived there for more than 50 years.) It’s located just six miles north of where my grandkids live and is actually closer to the nursing home where my Mom is a resident then where I now live. But it wasn’t what I expected. I don’t know exactly why, but I didn’t see the Herrick house as a solution. The only thing I could see was its rural location and run-down condition.

My hypocrisy was self-evident. I was praying for a house and telling God I would go anywhere and live anyplace but turning down the generosity of my family. I guess I was expecting God to provide some other way.

The rest of the drive home was a time for me to acknowledge before God that my willingness to be obedient turned out to be conditional. The next day Tony and I met with a contractor and work began immediately. The core of the house dates back to 1887 and its had at least four additions. But the structure is solid and its worth too much to just tear down.

There is a lot of work to be done: new roof, new wiring, new plumbing and new HVAC. There will be a totally new kitchen and bathroom. Pray for Travis Sines and his crew; they are determined to get things done so I can move in when I have to be out of my current house. Some mild weather is especially important so the new roof can be installed.

The scary part? I wonder how many answers to prayer I’ve missed because they didn’t fit into my preconceived idea of what the answer would look like.